Hello. I’ve missed this (don’t ask me what ‘this’ is). And I don’t know why I want to also say “I’ve missed you” because we haven’t spoken or seen each other in person in days, months or years. Yet, I still want to communicate and write to you.
I haven’t had it in me to write over the past several long months and my commitment to posting updates has been a promise I didn’t fulfill to you or myself. I started this blog when my world collapsed and the words flowed freely, pouring out of me to make sense of something foreign and then it stopped suddenly for me and the rest of you.
It was fucking hard. And as much as I wanted to document it was everything I had to wake up and keep going, keep parenting, keep going & being the person I wanted/needed to be. I got lost many times, but each time I got down and dirty I picked myself up and kept fucking fighting. I think there’s a lot to unpack in what I just wrote – maybe a book? Someday I’ll write it (maybe)…but really what I want you to know is in the next paragraph.
Writing to you from my heart isn’t easy and I’ve been at this post for hours tonight and since I want it to post on Valentine’s Day…I don’t have days or weeks or months to make it perfect. Please don’t let me forget to write about ‘perfect’ before I close this post. Maybe I should try live streaming so I can’t undo/redo/rewrite what is actually in my heart and try to make it make sense for someone else..for you and myself.
AND GO! This is why I’m here and what I want to say…
Happy LOVE Day ya’ll! Happy Valentine’s Day. Regardless of its origins Valentine’s Day is celebrated around the world. And I’m writing right now from my heart and want to get right to the heart of the matter (at least as I’m feeling it in this present moment).
I haven’t posted (I think) since before I went in to have my mastectomy. Fast forward one year and I have learned so much yet, I still have so many unanswered questions. I’m a year older and as the one year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis quietly passed I find myself in a huge wave of emotion and reality. I thought I started this blog to make it easier on myself to keep everyone who cared updated – telling the same things over and over was exhausting.
But, before I get any further, I want you all to know that I love you. Really, I do. I LOVE you! I really, really love you! Can you hear me?! – Each and every one of you and our experiences we shared in this lifetime. You, yes if you are reading this…I’m talking directly to you. So, I am your Valentine this year (so what if you already have one!) I am also YOURs because I just have ALWAYS loved people and other cultures and this planet…all of my life – my heart is imprinted by all the living, breathing things and how we are all just living here in this lifetime and the endless possibilities we all have. All of the journey, trying to make sense of our purpose.
I know you know – there’s some fucked up shit happening every single day in our town, across the street, in our own homes and relationships and around the world. But, every single breath, every moment, every single breath of air, we have a choice, an opportunity to react or respond. And it’s how we show up in those moments that make or break where we go from here.
Tonight I heard a song – I’m shocked I haven’t heard before – cause I’m lit, slay, cool beans..what ev’ – I mean I’m educated and experienced & have teenagers…but how is it I have never heard this song before now??!! And I’m reminded that we become wise from our experiences – tonight this song inspired me to write again and although I’ve been struggling..it’s these real life touch points that bring me here and able to write and feel inspired and to have faith.
One thing that brought me back to center this past month and a half has been silent giving…while I don’t have the means, I pretend like I do because I’ll go without if it makes someone else’s day. I’ve paid for a stranger’s gas when their card was declined, I’ve donated to multiple causes – cause every $1 counts x many and I’m not here to ‘shout out’ myself..cause I’ve been on auto-pilot and only leave the house when absolutely necessary but it’s these actions that lift me out of despair and I’ve been reflecting on how one year ago 2/2/22 passed and no one acknowledged or checked in – like I was invisible….but tonight I got an email…it was reassurance I’m on the right path. Ya’ll go live your life how you imagine it to be. Really…Go, Do, Be You! I just love. I love all of you.
Date: Mon, Feb 13, 2023 at 9:54 PM
Subject: Check In
To: Julie Kelley <julieakelley@gmail.com>Hey Julie!
I hope you are doing well! I just realized that the anniversary of your diagnosis was at the beginning of this month
I wanted to check in and see how you’re doing with everything and if you needed support in any way?
You have an incredibly strong spirit and an inspiring soul! You look at the challenges before you and you choose to persevere, learn, grow, and advance. You support others even while you are fighting your own battles. You are ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE! You will always have the support of the Fierce Fam!! I would love to show you around Canada and take you to Banff once we get some of these Home To Heal locations going!
Maybe sometime this summer??
I hope you have a day as amazing as you are!
Warm regards,
And everything I’ve been through hasn’t made me who I am…I am who I always have been..these experiences have just made me understand more of all of you and the world and while sometimes it can pull me deep into the depths of the ocean…while I am hard on myself…my fire refuses to go out and I still rise up – for every challenge in my life.
There is a knowing inside of everyone. You hear the thoughts, you’ve had a dream. Don’t doubt yourself or the message. What I’ve learned so far is Love. All you need is love – so give it freely, exponentially – without thought or doubt. Just be your heart. Today and always.
Not forgetting. the lesson on ‘being perfect’…”for as right as you can be, don’t be afraid to be wrong…we are taught to be perfect…and what is that anyway?…it’s doing our best, or being excellent and pursuing that – but being perfect makes us super small. From Rachel Hollis’ podacast episode 376.
I AM JULIE STRONG 