I AM JULIE STRONG

It’s time for me to get out of the cave.

I can’t say Goodbye Winter because it always snows here until Mother’s Day and I can’t believe my last post was Feb 18th! After I shared my blog on FaceBook and received so much encouraging love and support from so many of my friends and family I crawled inside of a cave and I’ve been there ever since.

Over the last month, I barely leave the house unless I absolutely have to, social situations feel suffocating. Day to day parenting responsibilities and work has been on auto-pilot. I’m tired a lot. It feels like I closed my eyes for only a brief moment to rest and when I opened them, a whole month and a half is gone.

Don’t get me wrong – a lot of life stuff still happened over the last month. My sister got medical care for my estranged biological father who is entering the last moments of his life and I’ve struggled with going out to see him. Although I didn’t meet him until I was 15 and I barely know him, he’s still my dad. And since my mother has also passed away – it’s a very sad time knowing that this may be the last opportunity to connect. My sister encourages me to FaceTime so that I don’t delay my surgery and stay focused on my own situation. Doesn’t make it any easier though.

It was a lot simpler writing the words on the page until I shared them and it really took a lot of energy to hit the publish button and be so open and exposed. I don’t know how to receive your support, love and attention and to be honest, I don’t like sharing the hard things – there’s enough going on in the world and in our own lives and our own backyards and homes. When I post on FB about my kids or events that are happening nearby and people react/comment – it’s a very different feeling than when it’s about you. It’s safer to avoid and withdraw.

You guys might interpret what I shared above as depression, but really – it’s been FEAR.

Forget Everything And Run OR

Face Everything And Rise.

Although I would have loved to really ‘run’ – to get away – to take a step out of my day to day life and relax by a beach, contemplate, read, research, make hard decisions in a more relaxing environment. Instead I stayed home (in my cave) but I still get up everyday and do my morning routine, work on my gratitude journal, go to my remote job, carpool the girls to practice. There’s still groceries in the fridge and toilet paper and the house is clean. Really I didn’t run anywhere – but I did get stuck, almost paralyzed for a moment.

I’ve never had a major surgery and when I was talking to another friend about the surgery and she said – “it’s basically an amputation” – that really turned the words around around for me. The word ‘mastectomy’ seems less black and white than the word ‘amputation.’

I got the rest of the pre-surgery test results 2 weeks ago and the next step is to schedule surgery. The doc told me that after surgery, they’ll send the mass to pathology and then we will know what stage of cancer I have, if it’s spread and what my treatment will be.

And this is where Brene Brown’s quote comes into play. It’s time to come out of my cave. To be really brave, to talk about what I’m feeling and ask you, dear friend, how you can best support me right now.

I am afraid to have this surgery. So afraid that I haven’t done my medical directives or living will yet. So afraid I didn’t even want to schedule it. I will not go into surgery without a medical POA, but it’s been extremely hard to think about who will make decisions for me if I’m unable to – who do I put that burden on?

I’m afraid of putting poison in my body. I’m more afraid of chemo and radiation and the lasting effects. Yes, maybe the cancer will go away, but you have to treat cancer like a chronic illness that I will deal with for the rest of my life. Hearing about so many people that developed other major health issues after chemo and radiation is discouraging.

So, I’ve started looking into integrative medicine and I’d like to couple the ND with the MD to hopefully take the least invasive route to recovery. Integrative oncology combines conventional cancer treatment with natural and supportive therapies.

Unfortunately, insurance doesn’t cover it.

My friend Jan set up a Go Fund Me as soon as she heard the news and it’s linked here on my site. To my friends who have already generously donated – I can’t tell you how overwhelming it was to experience your gracious generosity.

I have a really hard time accepting help from anyone in any form and I am having to learn to swallow my pride. While I’ve been in my cave hiding from everyone, I went through so many emotions, one of them that for me a Go Fund Me is a glorified form of standing on a corner with a cardboard sign – for anyone else it’s perfectly acceptable. My support group has encouraged me to think of it differently. Letting me know that IF I don’t ask for what I need, people will want to help anyway and I’ll end up with meals being delivered and eating lasagna 20 nights in a row.

So, I’m learning to find my voice, my courage and I’m learning how to let you know I am so vulnerable right now. I don’t know yet if I’ll need anyone to help me with meals, or picking up the carpool shifts. I literally tried to schedule my surgery for this summer after school is out so I can do the Bolder Boulder 10k (it’s back this year after being cancelled due to covid the last 2 years and is a tradition for me and my girls) and the girls will be done with volleyball and school so I won’t have to rely on anyone outside of our family.

This all happened so fast and I was unprepared. My doc doesn’t want me to delay the surgery any longer – my pre-op is scheduled for this Thursday 3/31 and surgery will most likely be in 2-3 weeks. This is all still happening so fast.

I wish I was in a different position, I wish I didn’t need a Go Fund Me – I wish I didn’t feel so vulnerable – but I am so very grateful for your prayers, your love and support in whatever capacity you have to give. It has really helped me feel less alone on this journey and reinforces the connections that I’ve made with each and everyone of you. We are more than acquaintances or superficial friends – you can’t make old friends. Now go listen to this song.