I AM JULIE STRONG

Over the last 2 weeks I’ve taken time to reach out to people who were a part of shaping my life. This includes not only my closest family and friends, but also friends from my childhood and as a young adult. Friends I haven’t seen or talked to in years. Some were surprised to hear from me, but were glad I reached out.

I have been a single parent for so long and the thing that hit me the hardest with this diagnosis is that I am alone.

When I say that out loud to my sister or my friends, they say – “You’re not alone, you have me, your kids, your sister.” That is true. But, I am alone. I don’t have my person, my partner the one I’ve always believed is out there. The one who loves me just the way I am and I love him and we complement each other. The one who together we build our life on the healthy foundation we created within ourselves before we met to journey through this life, to celebrate in the happy times and comfort in the challenging. I just haven’t found him yet. The thought of going through this without him hurts. I never wanted to be the rock of this family, to always be strong. Yet, I am. I always have been strong and that is why I chose my site to be I AM JULIE STRONG. It fits me.

I have always been conscious of my thoughts, actions and behavior and from a very early age I observed people that I interacted with and was able to recognize what was healthy and what wasn’t. I absorbed the pieces that were good that I wanted to take forward in my life to be a good parent, partner, friend, employee and I discarded the pieces that were toxic. I remember a song from when I was in 3rd grade. Will the circle be unbroken. I remember hearing it like it was yesterday. This song made me feel like it was my job to break the the circles of my family, my ancestors. The song is an anthem of hope and perseverance, a message that life – and music – continues in the face of adversity, and even after death.

From my early experiences, I inspired to be a healthy successful human being.  The definition of ‘successful human’ has changed as I grew older and had new experiences, but I’ve never stopped wanting to learn and grow as much as I can and be the best person I can be (to others), to overcome circumstances that were not in my control (be the change you want to see in this world) and to make a difference (give back and do something that positively impacts & inspires others).  

Over this past year I’ve realized that I defined this by how I show up in the world…to others…at work, at home, random people at the grocery store, gas station, in a client meeting, in relationships and friendships.  Caring for people whether I know them or not comes naturally for me and I never second guess myself because it feels right…comforting, providing, loving, supporting – taking care of other’s needs.  I recognize my life experiences is how I became an empath. I commit to others even when I know I don’t have experience or the resources, but I know I’ll figure it out and deliver. 

All of this felt right to me and it still does, but somewhere I forgot about myself and before I knew I had cancer I made a commitment to find that person again. This is why over the last couple of weeks while I am in my cancer fog I contacted people from my past that I hadn’t talked to in years. I listened to old songs that my mother always played or that we waited hours and hours to hear on the radio or watch on Mtv.

I think that in all this time I thought I was ‘fulfilling’ my life. I was trying to fill holes…repeatedly…over and over.  Doing things for others to fill up a bucket in my soul.  Reality check: my bucket has holes. So no matter what I do or who it’s for – every single time I try to fill it up – it has a slow leak and will it will never get full – and that is okay.  I no longer want to ‘fill’ the holes because they are a part of who I am.  The holes are not faults, they are a reminder of all the mountains I’ve climbed, all the hard times and are the hard things that I have overcome.

These holes are like stretch marks on a woman’s body after birthing a baby – beautiful permanent markers of what they’ve just created.

I’m going to keep working on myself. Cancer isn’t the reminder I had in mind that in order to take care of others, I must first love and take care of myself – which I do…but, I’m too hard on myself with my beliefs and my responsibilities and I need to be kinder to myself with my self-talk and when I look in the mirror. I want to see the person my kids see. I want to not be so hard on myself (when necessary) and to be harder on myself (when necessary).

I look out the window and I see the flatirons. It’s a constant reminder of all the mountains I’ve climbed in my life. I am grateful for all the amazing people that kept encouraging me when it got hard, provided love and guidance. So even though I don’t have my person here with me right now, I know that I am surrounded by people who care, who love all of me, just as I am.